White Horses and Stilettos

What does it mean to be a man today? Where do vulnerability and heart enter into your definition of manhood? Or are they even part of the equation for you?

Brene Brown, a noted researcher on the topic of vulnerability, says in her TED talk on shame that she was struck by the words of a man who approached her at a book signing. The unnamed husband and father told Brown that the women in his life were far harder on him than anyone else — that they would “rather me die on my white horse than watch me fall down.”

Carlos Andres Gomez, playwright, poet, artist, and author of Man Up: Reimagining Modern Manhood, is concerned about the heavy influence of aggression in what young men are taught today. He recently described to journalist Bob Edwards a culture where spilling a drink on someone in a bar would get the spiller beaten up, and a culture where such an accident would not be a big deal. One culture viewed manhood as responding with aggression; the other viewed manhood as having room for understanding and empathy.

Gomez’ words remind me of what I have heard from many young male college students during my years of teaching — that there are some situations and cultures in which they don’t dare be themselves, because adopting aggression and a tough facade are what save you and help you “fit in” with expectations of manhood. I have observed in elementary school boys negotiating the struggle between the bright, warm energy of honoring their own curious hearts/minds, vs. shutting down and embracing cold, hard aggression as a way of life. And most of us have read this week about an incident in an NFL locker room that points to emotional-verbal aggression and bullying.

What can we, as women, can do to make it easier for the men and boys in our lives to embrace their vulnerability and humanity?

–We can help build dating relationships and marriages that are based on teamwork, partnership, and respectful, open, honest, two-way communication and active listening.

–When our mates have tough days, we can listen and empathize, just the way we want them to do for us. We can allow them to listen and empathize with our challenges, as well.

–We can accept and allow that we and our mates are beautifully imperfect — just like us. Some days, they may show up on white horses; other days, they will be walking barefoot. Some days, we wear stilettos; other days, it’s gym socks with holes in them. What’s important is that they are the men who are showing up with us, and we’re the women who are showing up with them.

–We can be self-aware of any tendencies we may have to put expectations on our mates that stem from needs that our fathers did or did not meet. Our mates are our mates — they are not, and cannot be, our parents.

–We can commit to men we love for exactly who they are, in this exact, present moment. We can pick men who love us for exactly what we are, in this exact, present moment.

–We can stop committing to men we only love for what we believe they could be, or “ought” to become, or will turn them into.

–We can love our sons and daughters for exactly who they are, in this exact, present moment.

–We can stop telling our children that they will earn our love when the grow up and check off our expectations for them.

Finally, we can teach and model all of the above for our children to prepare them to create loving, supportive dating relationships and marriages for themselves. In this way we can build and model unions that are built in part on a more nuanced, all-encompassing, and healthy definition of manhood — one that embraces vulnerability and humanity, rather than masking those qualities with aggression.

Resources:

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame TED talk

Carols Andres Gomez: Reimagining Manhood

Lea McLees, MS, NCC, LPC, is a workshop facilitator who offers pre-marital, pre-parenting, and parenting workshops, as well as wellness workshops, around metro Atlanta.

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